Medicinal Cocaine: An Idea Past its Expiration Date

San Andreas, LS – A controversial new policy proposed by recently elected councilmember “Honest” Johnny has sparked heated debate across the city. The councilmember ran his campaign on a platform of legalizing recreational marijuana, cocaine, and methamphetamine for medicinal purposes. Now, just days after taking office, he has unveiled plans to make so-called “medicinal cocaine” available to the public.

Under the proposed legislation, adults would be able to obtain a license to possess up to 20 doses of cocaine on their person and up to 60 doses in their homes after paying a $10,000 fee. Any amounts over those limits would remain illegal, as would the unauthorized sale or production of cocaine. Honest Johnny claims the exorbitant licensing fees would go directly to funding law enforcement efforts against the illegal drug trade.

While cocaine is technically classified as a Schedule II drug, meaning it has some potential medical uses, experts say its legitimate medical applications are extremely limited – especially outside of surgical settings.

“Cocaine was historically used as a local anesthetic for certain procedures due to its numbing and vasoconstrictive effects,” said Dr. Mark Wilson, an anesthesiologist at Pillbox Medical. “But today we have much safer alternatives that provide the same benefits, like lidocaine, bupivacaine, and epinephrine.”

Dr. Wilson explains that unlike drugs approved for medicinal use like certain opioids and marijuana derivatives, there are no common medical conditions where cocaine is considered a necessary or ideal treatment. Its medical applications are now rare, even in surgical settings where safer modern alternatives almost always suffice.

“Allowing recreational access to addictive stimulants like cocaine under the guise of medicine, without formal medical supervision, is highly questionable,” said Dr. Wilson. “It’s unclear what medical symptoms would warrant cocaine rather than proven treatments that lack the addiction risk.”

When asked about councilmember Honest Johnny’s controversial proposal, Dr. Wilson expressed strong opposition.

“I saw the councilmember’s ad claiming medicinal cocaine could help people who ‘get tired sometimes.’ That argument is utterly ridiculous,” said Dr. Wilson.

“There are many safe ways to get an energy boost that don’t involve using one of the most addictive illicit stimulants. A cup of coffee, taking a walk, getting adequate sleep – those are reasonable options for fatigue,” he continued.

“Cocaine’s potential for abuse and harm far outweigh any potential benefits for common symptoms like fatigue. Even for surgical applications, we’ve moved away from cocaine due to safer alternatives,” Dr. Wilson added.

“As a businessman who dabbles in cocaine myself, I strongly disagree with Dr. Wilson,” said eccentric billionaire Sebastian von Richthofen.

“Cocaine gives me the energy and focus I need to make important multimillion-dollar deals and manage my corporate empire. It sharpens my mind. This so-called ‘expert’ clearly doesn’t understand the benefits,” he continued.

“Why should my personal medical choices be restricted? What I put in my body is my right as a free citizen. Honest Johnny understands this. Cocaine is safe when used responsibly by upstanding members of society like myself,” von Richthofen added.

The extravagant billionaire known for his lavish lifestyle and flamboyant fashion sense has publicly endorsed Honest Johnny’s medicinal cocaine proposal.

Chief Justice Hocho weighed in regarding the legality of Honest Johnny’s medicinal cocaine proposal under state and federal law.

“Illicit and illegal by federal standards. We cannot relax the federal standard, we can only intensify it at the state level. So they cannot be made legal, even medicinally, in the state,” said Chief Justice Hocho.

He went on to explain, “In San Andreas we use the terminology class 2, where as U.S code calls it schedule II. It’s the same thing. Any schedule II and schedule III is viable, but it has to be prescribed by a medical professional with a license to do so.”

In other words, federal law still prohibits legalizing or relaxing restrictions around illicit substances.