Japanese Government: “Three-Eyed Fish Perfectly Normal After Fukushima Dump”

Tokyo – Despite growing reports of fish found with extra appendages and glowing skin, the Japanese government insists the seafood is perfectly safe to eat after radioactive wastewater was dumped into the Pacific Ocean from the ruined Fukushima nuclear plant.

“Finding fish with three eyes or flippers growing out of their heads is completely natural,” said government spokesperson Ichiro Fukuda. “I eat sushi with mutant radioactive fish every day and I’m feeling fine, just look at my extra arm!”

Neighboring countries are not convinced. China has banned all seafood imports from Japan, claiming they don’t want “fish that can walk on land” entering their ports. South Korea has urged citizens to avoid sashimi, as it may bite back.

At Tokyo’s famous Tsukiji fish market, sellers try to hide their mutant wares under layers of ice. “Come buy this delicious two-headed tuna!” shouts one vendor. “This octopus glows in the dark for extra fun!” cries another.

While the scientific evidence shows radioactivity causes strange mutations, the Japanese government maintains the extra eyes and legs are a completely normal part of the fish life cycle. They recommend eating at least one radioactive sea creature per day as part of a balanced diet.

“As an anesthesiologist, I’m not convinced by the Japanese government’s claims that these mutant fish are perfectly safe to eat,” said Dr. Mark Wilson. “I’ve never seen a normal tuna with three eyes before. And while an extra fin here or there may seem harmless, who knows what kind of long-term health effects these radiation-induced mutations could cause? The government warns people about the dangers of excessive CT scans but now they want everyone eating glow-in-the-dark sushi? I wouldn’t touch the stuff. For now, I’m advising my patients to steer clear of sashimi from the affected regions. And for the record, I can’t stand fish anyway – radiation or no radiation!”

Dr. Wilson, medical practioner at pillbox medical.

“A crab with an extra claw? I’ll pay millions for that freakish little moneymaker!” proclaimed billionaire Sebastian von Richtofen. “A few extra eyes or some glow in the dark sushi? Even better! These radioactive mutants will make perfect exotic additions to my mega yacht aquarium. And I’m sure with the right incentives, any pesky import regulations can be smoothed over. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a new mutant seafood empire to build. The paperwork won’t file itself!”