Floridians Warned as Drug-Resistant “Fish Flu” Spreads

Vice City, FL – A new drug-resistant strain of “fish flu” has emerged along the coasts of Florida, causing pandemonium among local residents and inciting a wave of bizarre public health advisories. The mysterious illness, known officially as Ichthyovirus Influenzae (I.I.), has officials scrambling to contain its spread and urging citizens to avoid all fish-related activities, including the dangerous practice of fish-kissing.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued an unusual statement this morning, saying, “Do not, under any circumstances, kiss, cuddle, or smooch any fish you encounter. Additionally, it is highly advised to refrain from consuming fish or fish-related products until further notice.” This alarming warning has left many seafood enthusiasts and fish-whisperers in distress.

Scientists at the prestigious Vice City Oceanographic Institute have been studying the fish flu closely and believe it originated from a group of genetically modified sea bass with the ability to leap from water onto boats or unsuspecting beachgoers. These so-called “supersonic bass” are said to be carrying a highly contagious strain of the fish flu.

The illness has spread at an alarming rate, causing symptoms such as fish-like odor, an uncontrollable desire to swim in circles, and an insatiable appetite for plankton. Though initial reports suggested that the fish flu only affected fish, it has quickly become apparent that it is capable of jumping species, with cases now confirmed in seagulls, dolphins, and even a handful of human fish enthusiasts.

Dr. Gill Scales, a leading expert in marine biology and a consultant on the fish flu crisis, weighed in on the situation. “The rapid mutation of this virus is unprecedented. It’s like nothing we’ve ever seen before. The fact that it has made the leap to humans is deeply concerning. People need to take this seriously and avoid all fish-related activities immediately.”

While authorities work around the clock to contain the outbreak, many residents have taken to social media to express their skepticism. Some are even engaging in a dangerous new trend called the “#FishFluChallenge,” which involves participants attempting to kiss as many fish as possible before succumbing to the symptoms of the fish flu.

Officials are imploring the public to disregard such reckless behavior, emphasizing that the only way to curb the spread of the fish flu is by heeding the advice of the CDC and avoiding all fish-related contact. In the meantime, fish-lovers are advised to stay away from coastal waters and find solace in virtual aquariums or fish documentaries until the situation is under control.